These are the worst vacation souvenirs EVER.
It's been a weird month since then. A lot has changed. I haven't been to work since June and it's making me pretty nuts. I'd really rather be there, and my neurologist (yeah, I have one of those now) says that if I'm still doing well at my appointment on the 28th, he thinks I'll be able to go back on September 1.
I get the concern and I understand that I'm statistically more likely to have a stroke in the months closely following the stroke, so I should minimize stress and work to better conditions that might have contributed to this stroke, but sitting around worrying about money and trying to scrub a stain out of the carpet isn't doing me any good.
That's not all that changed. I went from near-perfect health (except those damned migraines) to this:
And this device:
Everyone keeps reminding me that this is just a new normal, but it's hard to get used to. I have six pills a day, four shots and four finger sticks. I have therapy devices to bring with me, just in case, and a walker and a cane. I have a planner I take with me because I have to be sure I'm not forgetting an appointment. It's hard getting used to requiring a checklist before I leave the house. My life doesn't fit into a clutch purse anymore.
Fortunately, I have big purses, too.
I try to think of all the positives. I have permission to not eat a bunch of junk. I have permission to put my health on project status and to go to bed at a healthier time. I have permission to drop some commitments. But, let's be honest, this isn't a silver lining sort of thing. These are now chronic conditions. These are medical alert bracelet warranting things. They're a serious, lifetime commitment. It's not a matter of perspective and I can't find an upside, even though I tell people I can. My meals are more a matter of mathematics than "What sounds good for dinner?" and a bigger ordeal than I want them to be. I have medication STORAGE. Portable and at home.
Ugh. I know this is all important stuff. I get it. I don't want another stroke and I'll do what I have to do to mitigate my risk.. I know all the reasons why I have to do these things. Understood.
What I don't get is why me?
There's no good answer to that. There are answers that don't complement me. The truth is, I made choices that contributed to this. Poor sleeping habits, no preventative doctor visits which allowed my diabetes to run unacknowledged or treated since I had my youngest daughter five years ago, not proactively treating my migraines. I don't think anyone wants to think about those things, but there they are.
In fairness, other people do much worse and don't have strokes. That's true. However, that's not the hand I was dealt. I don't know why me. I want to ask it, but I know there's nobody to answer. I guess the ultimate answer is simply "Why not?"
So, I move forward because there's no other way to go. It's forward or stagnate, and I never was very good at sitting still.
One month down and many, many more to go.
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