OK, well, I don't know that the first was a big deal, since I didn't even know I'd had it until I had the second. It's certainly arguable that the second stroke was the one that changed my life in a million small ways, so it's the one I'm counting.
Plus, I have no idea when I had the first, so there's no telling what anniversary I'd have to count it as.
Anyway, today was kinda hard from a mental standpoint. Not so much physically--I basically did nothing but metabolize, so it wasn't so rough. But, yesterday was rough because it was one year from my very last "normal" day...the last day I really felt like me. And today is even more rough, because even though I didn't know it was a stroke I was having, it was.
But, everyone keeps telling me to cheer up and look at all that I've done...blah, blah, blah. Apparently people can't let me have sad for one day. Apparently that is a difficult concept. I know everyone means well, but geez. Sad is just a thing I'm going to do today and maybe tomorrow. And yesterday. Hell, I don't know how long, but losing myself, as I knew me, is something I'm just going to mourn and be a little bluesy about, and everyone can just kinda get over it. Or don't watch. Whatever. Just don't expect me to make you feel better about it.
They do kind of have a point. It's been a big year. Let's just look at some of the things I've accomplished.
1) I relearned how to eat. The stroke knocked out the left side of my tongue, and I didn't know how much you rely on your tongue to clear your cheeks of food that you've chewed and now need to digest. Watching me eat was not a pretty thing immediately after my discharge. Not pretty at all.
2) I learned how to cook, do laundry and achieve daily tasks with a walker. That's a little more difficult than you'd think. Unless your kitchen is specifically designed to be evenly accessible, navigating from fridge to counter to stove is tricky when you have to bring a walker with you. I am glad I was able to ditch it by October!
3) I learned that I CAN rock short hair. The whole fat girls looking like pinheads with short hair is bullshit. See?!
3) I relearned how to walk. This was a huge thing, something I thought might be an insurmountable obstacle many times. There were days when I thought I'd never lose the walker. When I moved from the walker to a cane, I thought that would be as far as I got. I still have a limp. Standing up and getting out of the car are still things I have a hard time with--I probably always will. But, I can walk. I can jog (OK, but it's not like I'm doing that. Let's be realistic.), and I can even wear heels some days. All in all, this is the accomplishment I'm most proud of.
4) I got used to my now crooked smile. If possible, I look even more like my brother now!
5) I learned SQL. I still hate nested queries. Nonethless, I learned it. I got a B. Not too shabby for starting a rough semester in the middle of inpatient rehab.
6) I graduated. Wait. I graduated WITH HONORS. My degree says "with distinction". I earned my Masters degree. I got all dressed up in a cap, gown and hood, and I walked across that stage and got my degree folder. Hey, I even wore heels! I needed a hand up the steps and down on the other side, but I'm not so bad at asking for help anymore, which brings me to:
7) I learned that it's OK to ask for help when you need it. I was so used to being the one who toughed it out no matter the difficulties, who was strong and never needed help that this was a hard one for me. I always assumed people would think I was weak if I needed help, that I'd loose my status as the strong, competent one. It turns out that the people who really love me, who deserve to be in my life don't care. They're happy to help because they love me. They know that if the situation were reversed, I'd happily help them. I've had to trust my support net, and they've been there for me wholehartedly. So this is two-fold...I also learned who my real friends are.
8) I learned that some days are filet mignon, some days are PB&J. Some days I can give it my all, I can be more like I was. Some days it's easy to see the stroke as just "a thing that happened" and not a major life-altering event. Those days are awesome. I love those days. Some days I can only do what I can do to get through until bedtime. The PB&J days aren't often, but they happen. And that's OK, because PB&J is OK. It's not my favorite, but it's enough to get me by.
9) I learned that it's OK to say "no" sometimes. And it's OK to quit. We get taught to be limitless, to keep going no matter what, but it's OK to know your own limits. It's OK to give up and it's OK to give it another shot at another time. It's OK to say that you don't want to do something or that you can't or you don't feel up to it.
10) I learned that with a sense of humor, you can get through anything.
I learned a lot more than on this list. I learned how to shave your legs when you can't stand on one of them and how to use the toilet when you can't use the muscles in the back of one of your legs. I learned some other gross stuff, too, but that's not something you need to read about--or that I need to share. It was a big year, and yeah, that stuff is all important to celebrate and think about. But, not today. Today I'm just gonna wallow in it. Wallow with some cream cheese, because I can't have ice cream. Boo.
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